Is it possible to have too much fun? Is it scary to have too much fun? Maybe it is, if your spouse feels jealous when you enjoy someone else “too much”.
I was very fortunate last week and had a wonderful dinner with a woman who was re-learning how to date after being widowed a little over a year ago. She and her husband of twenty-five years had what many would call a “swingers lifestyle”. In their day they had frequented Plato’s Retreat as well as partied with other like minded adults in private. This was initiated by her husband, who enjoyed having sex with other women and got turned on by his wife having sex with other men and women. She says that she wouldn’t have done it by herself, but that since he was into it she was going get into it and enjoy it. She found that when she really had a good time, and let her husband know it (verbally or by her behaviour) that he would get angry with her. She decided that she wouldn’t show, so he wouldn’t know, how much she enjoyed herself. While I understand her fear, and his jealousy, I think there are risks in not fully expressing yourself to your partner and would rather find ways to make it safe to be fully expressed. (Soon I’ll post some playful suggestions.)
Now a couple of months ago my girlfriend asked me how I felt about her feelings for another couple that she’s involved with. (While I’m friendly with this couple, I’m not sexy with them.) I told her that I’m happy with her loving them as much as she wants. As soon as I returned home from last weeks trip, she brought up (in one of those all-too-frequent coincidences of life) that after we had talked about the other couple that she found herself having much more fun with them and feeling much more love with me. She realized that she had been holding back. Holding back her feelings for the couple and holding back from me how much she enjoyed them. Once she felt that I was really okay with her loving them she felt better in both relationships.
I wonder how common it is to hide your feelings when in more than one sexual or romantic relationship. I know that I have “been careful” when talking about another lover or a new flirtation with my primary partner. This has backfired more than once when it became obvious to my primary that my feelings for the other person had advanced more than I had expressed. While I didn’t at first trust her when she told me that it wasn’t the feelings that bothered her as much as my holding back, I have found over time that it’s true. The more I express to her, and the more “transparent” I make my thoughts and feelings to her, the more secure she feels about us and the more willing she is to have me enjoy others.
Of course this is all linked to “New Relationship Energy” (NRE), the honeymoon period people have when dating or falling in love with a new partner. We feel that something special is happening and want to spend all our time with our new lover. This is wonderful when we’re in a one-on-one relationship, but when we have a pre-existing relationship this can be a bumpy ride for the “old” partner, who gets to watch as the love of their life falls in love with someone else and gushes about how wonderful it all feels. More on this subject soon.
